this made me really think about what its gotta be like to be him "A story: A man fires a rifle for many years; And he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armoury; And he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands, love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper; His hands still remember the rifle."

ok that last blog was purely out of anger/emotion... i love my future husband, and we go through things just like anybody else.. but the true test in any relationship, is to be able to hold hands after each disagreement <3 it took me some time to actually grasp that phrase but i mean i feel like its so relevant to my life

??

i dont know what to do, my head hurts, i cant think, i cant sleep !! i just feel like nothings going right anymore. the other day i thought i was pregnant and  in my mind i was like this is NOT the time(i had a dream about one, i woke up scared) ! i feel like my relationship is not 100 anymore since this crazy mess, i mean its not his fault or mines just reality and this thing called life.. well maybe it is our faults i ont reall know...but im just gonna get my mind focused back on the thing that i kno best... school !! maybe ill start dancing or singing or working...i need something that allows me to get away from everything and everybody..i love being alone ... i wonder if thats how im supposed to end up..all my relationships end up a mess. but it is what it is !

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. 

a lil soem :)

There she goes again, smiling like he's home, laughing a voice of a child.
Her words of wisdom, make you think she been around a while.
The shine in her smile catches most hearts.
You see her out and never would you think, she's alone most of her nights.
In her eyes, there are neither rich nor poor.
With her touch no broken heart aches for too long.
She walks tomorrow but her mind rests in flashbacks of those moments with him till sunrise.
No surprise to anyone that she buries emotions, that's all she has known, is to live for everyone else.
She lives out "No woman is complete without chap-stick and polish on her toes"
Her motto is "Life is about giving" making people smile, makes her smile.
She wouldn't dare to show her misery or loneliness.
What kind of soldier's love would she be?
She's trying to bloom right where she is planted.
"That's life, sometimes it hurts, but it's all we got" she says.
She preaches that "Happiness is a choice" so her ability to live up to that is 100% effort.
You will never feel her soaken pillow or hear the desperate prayers, nor the sound of a separation in her ears.
All you will see is her big heart still dances with HOPE like absolutely no other.
Her smile still brightens with pride, in her soldier, along with his fellow men.
He is the man of her life and no deployment or Army can take that away.
She is just doing her duty on this side of the world.

things you cant do once your married

1) Get drag-out, stumble-down drunk: there is nothing sexy about stumbling out of a bar or club. Getting this out of your system is the purpose of a men/women party.(personally i wouldnt even drink & have strippers nd ish at mines)
2)Sleepovers with the girls/guys: When you’re single you can stay out late, stay up chatting at your girls/boys house and crash. Not when you’re married !. You have a husband/wife, a household. Only on rare, if ever, occasions should you be out so late that you “can’t make it” home. GNO’s(girls night out), v-cations, and other girls-only/men-only overnight activities are very limited for married couples, (not saying u cant to do, just dont over do it). If you’re itching to be away from home, alone, you and your spouse have some things to work out.
3)Go to the club dressed like a video model (women) :s it going to be the boobs or butt? Pick one but not both. A married woman should be sexy not hoe-ish,Your husband won’t mind other men getting a sneak peek (well mines do, and i dont mind the way he feels), but he's not okay with them getting the full coverage.
4)Solo dinner dates with men: may be done for business purposes or with a long-time friend with the best of intentions, but it gives off the wrong vibe. Outsiders, who may see you out, call your husband/wife and bring drama to your home. Not worth it. Lunch is much more appropriate and professional for solo male-female meetings(but please call your spouse before you do anything).
5)“Network” after 10PM :  its not okay for you to be facebooking when your man/woman just walked in from a long day of work, put your phone on the charger and give them the time and attention they deserve. 
6)Buy shoes/clothes instead of paying bills :Late and missed bill payments have an adverse effect you and your spouse. In marriage, “we” comes before “I” when making decisions.
* these are the things that i see & hear from married people, and what i feel ruins most relationships... make every day like its your "first time" put God first and your marriage will be okay :)

What do I do?*

It hurt me more than anything to see him hurt the way he did. The part that even hurt the most was.... I couldn't do anything to help ! I did all I could to make her change her mind, but hell has no fury like a woman scorned. This was the hardest thing ever . What do I do ?? I'm 100+miles away... I just wanted to hold him ! and reasure him that this battle is far from lost or over. But how can I reasure him on something that's not even mine ?? Something I had no input creating. I could just give him a child ? I'll do anything to have him happy ! But that can create an even bigger problem. creating another baby won't replace the one he originally created, its nothing like your first born ! I would know! I remember when I was in that position, && hurt because he had no chance to even experience my love.. I was truly hurt, I wanted him back.. and I would do whatever I could to get him back. Till I realized, somethings you gotta let go .. but that's besides the point back to my love, what do I do ? Even if I tried to make him happy again and give him his hearts desire, what's the oods it'll be a girl?? Then I would feel like I let him down. Maybe I should give him time to himself... I'm really lost right now. I know that he's gonna fight this and I'm down with him to the very end.. but in the end I feel like every day its a what happens next ??